I think I am ready to share...

Let me start with telling you that I am filled with lots of anxiety as I start to type this, still unsure if I want to share and still full of mixed emotions.  Here goes...

A little over 2 weeks ago I had a miscarriage.  Now I am not sharing this to get lots of sympathy phone calls, texts or even Facebook messages telling me that you are so sorry, while they are very much appreciated I hope you don't feel that I am fishing for them.  I am sharing because it's something that happened and while I am not the best consistent blogger I like to think of my blog as an online diary that highlights the big things that happen in my life, and this one was pretty big. 

Also, if you are very close to me and are just finding out about this on here or reading about it in more detail here that is because I am not good at face to face or even phone to phone attention.  I dreaded having to call people and tell them when Jeremiah and I were engaged and to be honest I was dreading having to call people and tell them I was pregnant.  Not that I wasn't excited, I MOST definitely was excited it's just that I guess it goes back to being shy, I don't like people making a big deal over me.  Maybe it has to do with being a twin, when we were little people used to come up to my sister and I am say how cute we were and we would cover our faces so that they would stop.  I am just not comfortable with extra added attention.  Ok, enough of that, thanks for not getting offended. :)

Okay so lets start at the beginning.  (disclaimer:  this is going to be long and full of random thoughts and moments that I am sharing/documenting, it may not all make sense)

So I guess it was in the Spring, Jeremiah and I decided that we were going to start "trying" to have a baby.  We thought that we were ready and started to get really excited about the idea.  Well a couple of months passed and nothing happened, so in June we decided to try the whole "calculate when you're ovulating" thing and try it that way.  Needless to say, we "tried" and on July 8th I took 2 pregnancy tests and found out that we were in fact going to expect a baby!  The funny thing about that day was that I was setting up a wedding in La Jolla.  I had to wait about 2 hours between dropping bouquets and setting up the reception and I knew it was the day to take the test so I went to the grocery store, bought a 2 pack of tests and went back to the La Valencia Hotel and took them.  BOOM prego discovery at La Valencia!  Anyway, I finished setting up and then hurried home to tell Jeremiah.  I wrapped both tests up in a little box with a bow and handed it to him.  He smiled very cutely and gave me a kiss and we started chatting excitedly about what this meant.  However, being the oh so level headed guy that he is and being from a large family with 13 nieces and nephews he knows how pregnancy goes and told me that we had to wait to tell people because sometimes things happen.  I thought "ya ya, whatever" but I still knew I wasn't going to tell anyone till at least after our 1st doctors appt.  Then we immediately went to Target to get pre-natal vitamins and a pregnancy book (which I didn't buy there, I got one at the thrift store for $3, I'm thrifty :) ).

Fast Forward...

• I joined thebump.com
• started reading my book
• made my 1st pre-natal appt
• started eating healthier
• told my sister
• researched hospitals
• basically got really excited 

Then August rolled around and I was ready to go to my 1st pre-natal appointment, I was 8 weeks along.  I got up that morning, did my hair (a pretty big deal since my hair is usually in a ponytail), picked out a really cute summer dress, shaved my legs and headed off to the doctor.  Jeremiah met me there and he was so cute, I could tell he was nervous but was excited.  He even took a bunch of pictures of me sitting on the exam table waiting for the doctor, he was very cute.  Sitting in that room was very surreal, I felt grown up like "Wow, you're really gonna have a baby and raise it".  They were treating me like this soon to be mom, which at that point I was, and I felt excited and anxious and kinda weird.  I wasn't there for a regular pap, I was there because I had a baby growing in me!  Weird!

• doctor came in 
• she gave us another book
• went over the basics of pregnancy and delivery 
• I was feeling all confident that I knew it all cause I have had so many pregnant sister-in-laws and seen 3 live births
• asked us a bunch of questions
• then we headed off to the ultra-sound

This is when things started to go down hill.  She found the baby and said, "hmmm, well this looks like a 5 week old fetus and according to your last period, you should be 8 weeks along so this means 1 of 2 things, either you are wrong on your calculations and you are only 5 weeks along or this is a miscarriage waiting to happen."  Of course I heard miscarriage and started crying!  She told me that she would schedule me to come back in 2 weeks and if there was a heart beat and the baby looked like it was growing then everything should be fine.  Well I left pretty upset, Jeremiah wanted to go to lunch and all I wanted to do was go home.  We headed home, I cried the whole way and felt so angry at myself for getting so excited, for getting dressed in a cute dress and even for doing my hair...yep I was angry at myself for doing my hair!  I just felt crushed.  I felt stupid for being excited earlier. 

Now some of you may know me really well and some of you may not, some of you may not even know me at all but one thing about me is I love kids!  I have always taken care of them and even though I think I just really got "ready to have kids" I have always loved them.  So I was extremely excited to be pregnant and then extremely crushed when I found out that this may not be for real.  I went home, kind of talked myself out of being upset by thinking that the calculations were wrong and made myself feel better knowing that I was just 5 weeks along and that in 2 weeks everything would be fine.  I talked to 2 of my sister-in-laws, my sister and 2 friends but that was it!  We were still going to keep this to ourselves till we found out what was going on.

side note:  Earlier in the day, we had planned on taking the sonogram pictures to our parents that evening and telling them than that they were going to be grandparents for the 1st time (my parents) and again (Jeremiah's parents).  Then we were going to start telling people mid-August, but that never happened.

I had to stay busy with wedding season in full swing anyway so I figured the 2 weeks would fly by in no time.

2 days later, my sister was at my house and I had some spotting.  I didn't freak out because they say that's normal.  But then I started to get cramps and more bleeding and I called one of my sister-in-laws and she told me that she was sorry but that she was pretty sure I was miscarrying.  I started to get sad but I was so busy I had to just keep moving along.  That day got progressively worse, pain wise.  That night, the pain was really intense filled with lots of pressure and rolling cramps (apparently mild labor pains) and I tossed and turned and had to get up several times to "let it all out" (I will spare you the gorey details).  I decided to call my mom and tell her what was happening because even though she didn't even know I was pregnant, I didn't want her to be left out in some way, I guess I just wanted my mommy.  She came over and sat with me, and that made me feel better.  By 3 AM I was able to fall asleep and when I woke up the next morning I felt like I was good to go!  I had 2 big days ahead of me and being a small business owner I had to do what I had to do!

Fast forward to 2 days later...

I finally got to crash and burn, and believe me I did!  All the emotion came at once flooding in, I was physically and emotionally worn out.  I rested and then 2 days later I got called in by my doctor (I had left a message over the weekend for her) to come see her and make sure everything was OK.  She told me that I looked good and that the miscarriage has progressed nice and quickly and that I could start trying again in 2 months.  This appointment was not as emotional as I expected, I did get a little teary eyed but I think I was content at that point.  I had come to terms with the miscarriage and was more curious to find out what happens next. 

So that's the story, now the feelings...

I am still mixed in regards to feelings, I don't dwell on things or even look back that often so I am not in a state of sadness.  I am kind of anxious to try again, guess I have baby fever now, but scared that it might happen again.  It's weird for me to type and hard to explain, but while I am sad that I lost this baby I understand that miscarriages are common and I get that.  The baby was only 5 weeks old, it didn't even have a heart beat yet, it was more of a yolk sack according to the doctor but it was still going to be my baby so that makes me sad but what I think is most affecting me is the loss of my 1st pregnancy.  I guess I never expected it to happen to me.  I haven't really told anyone and don't plan on telling anyone, I don't really think that many people read this so it's not like a lot of people will learn about it on here.  Like I said, this post isn't for sympathy, its for documentation.  I don't feel the need to discuss it out loud, writing things out is therapeutic.  Putting words down helps me work things out and discover new things about myself and my feelings. 

I was really looking forward to being pregnant and sharing the whole experience with Jeremiah.  Of feeling a baby grow inside of me and getting bigger and bigger and then giving birth.  I know it will happen again but for now I am just waiting.  I had already started designing nurseries in my head and coming up with baby names. 

So when it comes down to it, I am fine.  I still have a little of these emotions (from my last post):

• sadness (a little)
• disappointment (a little)
• jealousy (just a tinge, of people I see around me prego)
• fear (that it will happen again)
• anger (not really anymore)
• longing (for pregnancy to happen again)
• anxiety (for not knowing what will happen)
• physical discomfort (not anymore, thank goodness!)

One thing I am not, is a person that just can't get over this and move on in life.  I actually don't think that much about it, I have so much going on right now I don't have time and plus, that won't get me anywhere.  I was doing some research on why it happens and there are so many community boards out there with girls/ladies who just can't get over it.  I'm not that person, don't feel sorry for me, I am fine.  I just thought I would share.  Plus, since this was my 1st pregnancy experience I think I wanted to write it down. 

Thanks for listening :)

P.S.  sorry that this is sooooooo freaking long!  I warned you ;)