Warning: LONG blabbing post with lots of run on sentences :)
I have been having some major anxiety lately and I hope that by writing it all out this post will serve as a kind of therapy. I am not sure where the root of the anxiety comes from (well I guess besides being pregnant) but it has begun to go beyond just regular anxiousness. I see my belly and I get anxious, someone mentions my pregnancy and I get anxious, I think of all the weddings I have between now and August and I get anxious. I can't put my finger on one thing in particular that gets me feeling this way. It makes me wonder if I am weird, is there something wrong with me? I am so incredibly excited to be a mommy to this little boy growing inside of me but at the same time something has me all freaked out. I know for sure that it is not the actual taking care of a baby idea, I feel pretty prepared for that with 13 nieces and nephews and 3 cousins I cared for when I was younger, that doesn't make me scared or anxious at all, it is something else lingering in my mind.
I almost want to say it is either the attention of the pregnancy or the idea that something could go wrong or maybe that I am really no longer a child (haven't been for a long time but still the idea of being "grown up" is kinda freaky). Looking at all 3 freaks me out I think. First with the attention thing, I am not sure why but people noticing I am pregnant kind of weirds me out and I can't figure it out, then that freaks me out cause I am weirded out and think there is something wrong with me. Maybe because it is such a new experience to be on this side of the pregnancy, the "you're growing a baby" thing, do I make any sense at all?
Then of course there is the what if something goes wrong anxiety. What if the umbilical cord gets wrapped around his neck, what if my body just decides to have another miscarriage, what if I have to come home from the hospital without this precious baby I have been growing? I have seen first hand from my own dear sister-in-law that kind of pain and that freaks me out too. I was there for her then but I didn't really understand it, well not didn't understand, I couldn't understand. Now it is all so close to my heart (not that it wasn't then, I too mourned the loss of a nephew but I wasn't a mother then and couldn't grasp that feeling of motherly loss) and it makes me feel like something is pushing on my chest and my heart starts beating fast and I am scared. Even though I haven't met this little guy yet I already love him so much and the idea of not getting to be his mommy scares the heck out of me and makes me sad.
Then there is the grown up thing, or maybe its a mortality thing, not sure. I couldn't go to sleep last night because I was thinking about dying and how sad I'll be when my parents or my grand parents die or how Jeremiah and I are so young now but someday we will be at the end of your lives looking at death and while my faith in God and heaven comfort me, I still am scared and sad to leave my children or to live without my mom and dad or a brother or a sister or JEREMIAH. How sad to be so close to someone and then one day they are gone, an idea I have fortunately not had to experience yet but that scares me. This doesn't seem like it relates to pregnancy but in a way it does. I am going to give birth to a little boy and raise him and teach him and then one day it will all be over. When you are busy living your life you never stop to think that someday it will all be over and again while my faith in God comforts me, it doesn't change the fact that we will eventually die and it will all be over. Am I being a total downer? I just wanted to express and record these feelings.
So in regards to growing up, I really think that this is the first life event that puts mortality in perspective. I mean, yes I am married and live in my own home and take care of a household and a husband but Jeremiah and I both still go to our parents house and besides the fact that we don't live there anymore, nothing has really changed since we got married. Now, when I think about going over there with a baby, a child of my own, it makes me feel like I will be all grown up bringing my child to my parents house like my parents used to take me to my grandparents house. It just seems so grown up and again there is that heavy chest feeling and faster beating heart. It kind of makes me yearn for my child hood in a way, maybe because it was a simpler time and there wasn't really anything to screw up. Now we will be raising a child and we will do the best that we can to make him the best he can be but all really have is hope that things will turn out right. I don't want to go back to being a child because I really do love my life but it just all seems so much simpler.
Anyway, like I said there are a lot of things freaking me out but I just needed to get some down on "paper" so that I look back and laugh that I was so freaked out. I am not going into some downward spiral of depression, don't worry, I just get a little freaked out these days. Understandable? Did anyone else deal with this while pregnant? I am a pretty positive person so I usually just brush it aside and move on with my thoughts but I really did want to record these feelings.
Honest Thoughts would be wonderful :)